Not Dead Yet...

It's been a challenging 3 months.  I have worked out 15 times.  That's right, 15 workouts in 90 days.  That's an average of 5 workouts a month.  Last year I worked out more than 5 times a week.  I know you want to ask me, "What the heck happened?"

My life has been challenging.  I have been facing some personal, work, and health challenges.  As a result, I can honestly say that I have been depressed for a while now.  Not the curl up in a ball and pound some Zoloft kind of depression.  More like eat some Oreos and watch another episode of  The Closer kind of depression.  It was a time to process, to deal with my own feelings, to be reminded that life would go on, and to be reassured that whatever is going on in my life, it's not nearly as wild as Kyra Sedgewick's character.  I may be a little nuts, but not TV nuts.

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I'd like to thank all of you that continued to ask me to work out with you, even though I almost always said no.  Thank you for remaining silent while I added some pounds to my frame.  It's not like I didn't know.  It just took me some time to care.  Thanks to those of you that nodded sagely while I rationalized my way out of all kinds of healthy behaviors. 

I'd like to say that I'm all better and back on my old self, but that's impossible. Healing doesn't happen that way and this isn't about getting back to the old me, but about finding the new one.  This is about accepting that I'm not 30, but I'm also not 80.  It's about believing that even if I can't run, working out is still worth it.  It's about remembering that I love being strong and endorphins are crack.

I went to the gym yesterday.  I'm going back today...  and tomorrow...  one day at a time...  climbing out of the darkness, one day, one step at a time.

I'm not dead yet.  Maybe I should stop acting like it.

You Look Marvelous

So I'm watching a bit of random television.  I think it's Rizzoli and Isles... Angie Harmon and that other girl are out running.  They're wearing cute little running pants and tight zip up jackets and they look, frankly, adorable.  And most notably, they're not even sweating. 

Let me be clear.  when I work out, I sweat...  a lot...  like crazy...  and I get red-faced and look terrible.  Like really wretched...  like I have the plague.  I treat the fact that a single decent picture of me actually running exists in the universe as a major miracle.  It's featured on this site, and I will probably use it forever.  Even when I'm 92.  Come on...  it's the internet.  Who will know?

But I do have a legitimate question to ask, mostly of women.  When we are working out, why do we care how we look?  I'm really just interested.  There's a whole industry of fashionable workout clothes designed to be worn while we are sweating.  There are matching outfits and bright colors and running skirts featuring the tag line, "It's me time."  (Seriously a running skirt?  I don't even like to wear skirts that much when I'm not running.)  These clothes are made of the newest high tech materials.  They are also designed to be "cute."  For example, consider this pair of running shorts by well known retailer, lulumon.  They're made of  "coolmax" and have a "luxtreme" waistband.  They cost $54.  (Seriously?  $54!)  Running shorts range in price from $11.88 at Target  to I'm guessing infinity dollars if you're crazy enough.  I'm wondering if it's possible that $54 shorts are 4.5 times better than $12 shorts? 

I am sure the lulumon shorts are great running shorts.  I don't have a problem with lulumon in particular.  I just look at their shorts and I think, well shoot, why aren't they black? (They do come in black of course.)  I ask because, if I buy them in a blue pattern, then I have to think about what I am wearing on top so that I don't clash.  And I hate that about myself.  I hate that when I open my drawer of workout clothes, there are some things I won't wear together...  because they'll look bad.

I want to be clear.  If I am running, there is a 1% chance I look good.   If I do, it's because I just started 300 yards earlier.  By the end, I look like a drowned rat, and I have to wonder, why would I care for even a minute what my clothes look like? 

Let's just ignore the rest of the world and run as joyfully as Phoebe and Rachel...

Author's Note...  I started this post a few weeks ago, before lulumon exec Chip Wilson decided to tell women that they are too fat to wear lulumon yoga pants.  I don't own any lulumon clothes because I actually am too large for their clothes.  In general I would suggest to all my thinner friends that they might think twice about giving money to a company that tells them and their friends that they are fat. 

Sweet Dreams

Yesterday I left work early and went to home to take a nap.  I told some people and they were jealous...  seriously envious.  I climbed into bed and went down for two hours.  TWO HOURS!  I set an alarm so I could get up and do carpool.  I thought I would pay last night and be unable to sleep.  Not so.  Went down like a stone and slept seven more.  Wow...

I have sleep issues.  I wake up in the middle of the night often and have trouble going back to sleep.  Stress at work sometimes adds to this issue.  There's nothing wrong with me physically and this is a pretty common occurrence in women my age, so I'm not worried.  I'm just tired. 

Really tired.

I'm trying to get to the point where I am fit enough to push myself hard for 4+ hours.  It will mean I am ready for that aquabike race in March...  1.2 mile swim, 56 on the bike.

I have the ability to do about two hours of really hard labor in me now.  After that I can keep going, but I'm pretty worthless.  I am positive that I'll have a better shot at this if I can get more sleep.  Maybe that means one day a week I skip my workout after school and go home for a nap.  Sounds like heaven, but will it work? 

Is this an actual plan or am I just kidding myself?  I welcome your thoughts. 

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