Limbo

Angela Brown Oberer

"Well limbo is not a good place to be."  ~Bill Joy

 

 

 

 

 

I have a secret.  I’m lost.

I’ve been lost for a while now.  I had the knee surgery in January.  The rehab was rough.  I was supposed to be able to run again by March.  I couldn’t.  So I rehabbed some more and tried again in June.  I couldn’t run.  So I tried other stuff all summer to try to rest my leg.  I did strength without the impact.  Weights.  Elliptical.  Walking.  Cycling.  Stairs.  I still can’t run.

 I’ve been trying out the phrase, I don’t run any more.

I keep saying it out loud to people, trying it on like a coat to see if it will fit.  It’s not that I love running.  It’s that I need to wear the coat in order to create a new identity. 

I was a triathlete.  Now what am I?

People ask… 
Can’t you have a knee replacement?  Yes…  But do I really want that?  I’m not sure. 
Can’t you just do the swim and the bike or do a relay?  Yes… But do I really want that?  I’m not sure.

In order to move forward, to make new plans, to forge a new identity, I have to accept my reality.  Or is it that I have to create my reality?  I’m having a hard time with this.  I struggle with the difference between quitting and accepting my limitations.  I’m not sure what’s true anymore.

 Am I just not trying hard enough?

 

 

I don’t run any more?